Lost Coyne

This is the first post of my own public blog, dedicated to my journey as a young widow.  I lost my husband and best friend, Mike, on Friday, October 14, 2011.  I start this blog at 8:33 PM, Monday, October 8, 2012 -- nearly a year later.  I start this blog as a usually private person, known for her ability to keep a brave front while suffering alone in silence.  I can't do that anymore.  I need to be real, raw and frank.  I am drowning in a world of grief and don't know know to stay afloat.  I suffer from the fear that no one in this world can possibly understand my plight -- even amongst those who knew and love Mike the most.  I am lost, confused and feel utterly alone.  I feel like a defective human being beyond help.  Since writing is my background, I feel compelled to use this medium to release the fears, burdens and aches which plague me each and every day. 

With this blog, I aim not to hurt anyone.  Those closest to me -- my natural, blood family, as well as the beloved family I married into -- are all I have left.  I hope to use this space to be real as a means to unburden myself in my grief and anguish.  With that, I'm sure, will come some honesties that may be too much to handle.  I apologize in advance.  I am very used to holding back in order to protect those I love.  I would be willing to continue to do that, except for the realization that I am drowning as a result.  My grief and subsequent isolation are overtaking me, and if I don't start to release some things soon, I'm afraid I will suffocate.

As I teeter on the one-year mark of Mike's passing, I find myself dealing with more emotions than I've ever known to exist.  Part of me feels like a child, starting over in life and searching desperately for guidance.  It's a strange and scary feeling, and I don't know what to do with it.

Most friends and family have been very understanding of my situation in the past year.  Yet, some have taken a more direct approach -- "Mike would want you to be happy;" "I want you to be happy again;" "Turn the page;" "You're young and have your whole life ahead of you;" "Lean on the happy memories;" "You may meet someone else." 

Thanks, but no thanks.  Anyone who truly knows me and respects my relationship with Mike knows those sentiments are mere words -- not truth.

I feel compelled to write too much.  There is so much of the past year that I need to share.  But for now, I simply throw out this teaser for what is to come.  I have much to say, and value the opportunity to say it.  I say this with a bit of fear that my honesty may hurt some, and that is not my intention or goal.  I have always believed that to write best you must write honestly.  That is my goal.  Please read this blog through the lens that this is my therapy, as well as my way of reaching those I am not able to express myself to verbally.  I feel like I am losing some of the people I love most, and perhaps being honest with them in this realm will bring them back to me.

This is my bare honesty.