Thankful?

Tomorrow, everyone will be talking about what they are thankful for -- family, friends, jobs, health, kids, etc.  I suppose I can pick from that list and find a couple things to be thankful for.  So why do I just keep reaching for what I don't have?

I am mad.  Furious, actually.  Pissed off.  Right now, I don't want to be thankful for what I have.  I am, of course, but I don't want to be.  Don't people realize I would give it all up in a second in exchange for Mike?  I would.  As much as I love the people and things I have left, they don't fill the void that constantly consumes me.  If I were told I had to give it all up and live on a desert island with Mike and Mike alone, I'd say, "How fast can you get me there?"

Nobody wants to hear this, though.  They want to hear that I'm coming along, making progress, or my personal favorite, "moving on."  When you have half of yourself cut off and you're slowly bleeding out, how do you get over that, or, "move on"?  And if I hear one more person tell me that "Mike wouldn't want you to live like this," I will have a complete freak out.  I don't need anyone telling me what Mike would want.  If anyone knew Mike inside and out, it was me.  Don't try to trump our relationship and closeness by claiming to know what Mike would want.  I know exactly what he would want and that is for me to deal with.

Part of me wants to stay in bed all day tomorrow.  I won't, of course, but at least there I can feel what I feel without disturbing anyone.  It would also be nice to fast-forward through the next five weeks.  This used to be the beginning of my favorite time of year.  Now it's just a two-month-long slug in the gut.  And no, it isn't getting better.  Every day I'm forced to live without him just makes me miss him more.  Each day without him just makes me more antsy and anxious and frustrated. 

And for all this, I am truly thankful.